Devoided of any inspiration or creativity, im still trying to find some kind of stability that will take me to new waves and forms of compatibility with the world. needless to say... no new deviation. not from my side anyway... feel deep hatred towards those who i once loved.

Is it chrsitmas approaching that makes the sublime smell of deep dark tartarus so irresistible?

me, the winter lover, lives now in contradiction; for as my most natural and defining event of the year nears closer (the winter solstice) i find more and more hatred towards me and those around me.

my nature contradicts the artificial enviroment ive been placed. either that or i am really heliums strayed disciple...

has the sun and summer really benn my home all along?

Cant help but admit that i have always wondered about the light in long blonde hair and the look and taste of wet bare skin.

If summer is my real nature, i cant help but say that my true nature in fact makes out of me feel most alien within my surroundings; for i have not felt more inadequate than under the light and heat of our systems central star.

for now i can only say that as days grow shorter, my dispise of those around gets bigger... and the yearn for lonelines, snow, and northern lights almost unberable.

I hope hell is cold, for is where i most desire to go... since in the warmth of heaven i would just feel like a smashed cockroach on the wall... disgusting, out of place, hated... and still moving my little antennas, keeping the attntion of those who have murdered me, all in awe and puzzled with the mystery of how was it that without any part or limb working, i managed to keep on holding to my fragile sense... smell..

i smell the sublime dead heavy fog from tartarus calling on to me.. yet i see no entrance, or way to say good bye to those once loved and are now hated...


I repeat myself.